Who are Trump’s Generals?

It’s no secret that Donald Trump is no fan of the generals. According to him they are an embarrassment to our country and don’t know as much about ISIS as he does (to be fair I spoke to a General for this article and he was unfamiliar with their 2000 debut album Celestial). At last night’s national security forum Trump continued to rip into the generals, stating:

Politico – “Under the leadership of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, I think the generals have been reduced to rubble,” Trump said at the NBC News “Commander in Chief Forum,” where he and his opponent, Clinton, appeared. “They have been reduced to a point where it’s embarrassing to our country.” Later in the interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer, Trump suggested that when he seeks the military’s advice on how to defeat the Islamic State “they’d probably be different generals, to be honest with you.”

Trump may be a political novice but he’s in no way unqualified to make these calls. He attended an elite New York military boarding school where he got better training than most guys who are actually in the real military, he went through his own personal Vietnam of avoiding STDs in the 90s, and has personally been to Vietnam to open an undisclosed number of sweat shops. It’s unclear which generals Trump is referring to as he’s never actually named a particular active duty general that he disagrees with, but it’s pretty obvious he has a list somewhere. The guy knows and respects generals (just not these ones), when he bought a football team he named them the fucking Generals, what more do you want. What’s more fascinating to speculate on is when Trump sacks the generals, which generals will he bring in to replace them? Based on Trump’s comments and his positions on the issues, here are some high ranking officers you can expect to see arriving on the national security stage soon:

  1. William Boykin

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This guy is a real-life Army general so that’s a pretty huge qualification to start, in addition to the fact that he served in the Bush administration. Boykin is a very, very, VERY religious guy which meshes well with Trump who is still under 5 divorces which is where most churches start to get iffy on whether you’re with the cause or not. And this ain’t no pansy Ned Flanders Christian, Boykin is most notable for framing the fight in the Middle East as a holy war and claiming Jesus was a “man’s man” who will return to earth “carrying an AR-15.” Boykin is dedicated to getting Trump elected to ensure Jesus will be carrying an AR-15 fully capable of 3 round burst instead of one of those wussified liberal variants that only has single shot semi-automatic

  1. General Tso

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Well not necessarily an American military officer or even a real person to be fair, General Tso hits a lot of key wickets that Trump is looking for which is key in his selection of “The Generals”. Trump hits China big on the campaign trail but in a very different way than how he talks about Mexico. Trump on Mexico is like the way he views herpes, a problem that developed in the 90s due to some very liberal life decisions which is beneath him and needs to be dealt with and mitigated. China is more like New York state incest laws, a worthy foe he has battled for years that is unlikely to go away anytime soon. General Tso also goes well with his well known love of fast food and as an added bonus with its artificially orange color the sauce blends well into his skin.

  1. The General

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He has no other name and needs no other introduction, he’s just “The General”. From his uniform insignia he is in fact a 5-star general which was phased out after World War II and currently supersedes current military rank structure so he would most likely be the head of Trump’s military and be in charge of all the other generals. He’s similar to Trump in the sense that before anything he’s a showman. Forget military strategy and courage under fire, the dude is an electric performer who can knock out a catchy jingle like no one else in uniform. Everyone knows the song even if they’re not quite sure what the company actually does or how successful it is, it is honestly quite similar to Trump Industries.

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