Three Questions Before Election Day

The 2016 Presidential Election is rapidly drawing to a close, but that does not mean that the news cycle has slowed down one bit. In the last week of the election, bombshell after bombshell of news stories have hit both campaigns. Donald Trump has been hit by numerous allegations from the mainstream media, but it seems as though every time a story comes out against him, an even worse story comes out against Hillary Clinton. First Trump is accused of having deep financial ties to Russia, then boom, more Anthony Weiner dick pics threaten to take down the Clinton campaign. Next, rape allegations against a minor re-surface against Trump, but wait, it turns out Clinton had previously rooted for the Yankees and is only re-surfacing as a Cubs fan AFTER the Cubs made a historical World Series run. The back and forth volley of attacks is reminiscent of a certain hard fought tennis match in 1973, when a woman named Billie Jean King attempted to break another glass ceiling by also defeating a past his prime geriatric with significant financial problems.

As Americans look for answers going into Election Day, the media has only raised more and more questions. Here are the three most hard hitting questions that the mainstream media WON’T touch that deserve an answer.

1.Can America handle the post-election employment drop?

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, roughly 1 in every 20 Americans is currently employed as a CNN election commentator. When CNN ends its election coverage on November 9th, America will lose millions of unskilled labor jobs. This does not even begin to account for the millions of Americans who earn a living writing vicious scathing take-downs of Trump on Thought Catalog and commenting “OMG. This.” on pro-Hillary Clinton YouTube videos. Should Trump win the election and be forced to end his numerous business ventures, countless more millions of undocumented laborers would also be put out of work. Some jobs will be re-gained when coverage of the 2020 Republican Primary begins on December 1st, but that growth may be slow and still not make up for the huge percentage of Americans out of work after the election.

Luckily for the economy, a Clinton impeachment scandal could be a huge producer of jobs that could mitigate the post-election Depression we are almost sure to find ourselves in. Currently, a significant amount of law school graduates, mainly from directional schools below the Mason-Dixon line, are unable to find work in the legal field. Should impeachment proceedings begin against Clinton however, the amount of legal briefings to be filed by Freedom Caucus Republicans and the demand for Fox News legal analysts will make a Southern Miss law degree much more valuable. Additionally, if the rumors of Donald Trump pursuing a Trump TV business venture post-election are true, employment rates among attractive blonde communications majors 22-35 will sky rocket.

2.Is the Clinton Campaign deliberately attempting to throw the Election to exile Lena Dunham?

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Noted Clinton surrogate Lena Dunham has made it no secret that should Trump win the election, she is planning on leaving the country. Lena may be no fan of Donald, but thanks to the KGB decoding John Podesta’s complex e-mail password of HillaryLuvr6969, we know that the Clinton camp is no fan of Dunham’s either.

Usually quiet and uncontroversial, Dunham has been unabashed in her support for Clinton this election, most recently debuting a pro-Clinton rap song best described as hit Broadway musical Hamilton meets MC Karl Rove

 

With Dunham’s general reluctance to seek the spotlight, it only makes sense that the Clinton campaign was behind the release of this rap video. If their goal was to force the voluntary deportation of Lena Dunham by throwing the election in Trump’s favor, the song hit all the right notes, as the video was offensive towards conservatives, liberals, blacks, whites, and good taste in general. The high number of views coming from Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania are evidence that the Clinton camp may be directly targeting key swing demographics in order to associate Clinton with Lena Dunham and push voters towards Trump.

3.Can Giuliani, Christie, et al. survive November 9th?

After commanding a carrier task force in the Pacific Theater of World War II, John McCain Sr. famously died just four days after the surrender of Japan. 71 years later, Chris Christie, Rudy Giuliani, and a slew of other conservative thought leaders have led a similarly heroic campaign against another power hungry, dynastic leader from the East. Win or lose, this brave group has given it all, sacrificing time, money, and their own dignity to take down the Clinton Empire. If Trump were to lose, this parasitic relationship would effectively come to an end and this group of human lice would no longer have a scalp of majestic, flowing, golden locks to call home.

The idea of a Trump TV network may seem like a logical fit on its surface, but after leading an intellectual conservative revolution, having a 9 PM time slot dedicated to seeking the impeachment of a Clinton presidency and aggrandizing your own ego would surely be below the likes of a Rudy Giuliani or Newt Gingrich. While Chris Christie’s bombastic prosecutorial style may seem the perfect fit to make the case against Clinton on Trump TV, ongoing investigations into the Bridgegate scandal may keep him out of the spotlight. With his soft boyish features, Christie is no match for the harsh realities of a life in prison where only 3 meals a day are provided, and his efforts to avoid prosecution while also attending to his duties as Governor 2-3 days a month would likely preclude any involvement in Trump TV.

 

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