Betsy DeVos? More Like Betsy Da Boss

Just two days after the first ever Super Bowl to go into overtime, the first ever Presidential Cabinet nomination process went into overtime when the Senate voted 50-50 on the confirmation of Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education. While NFL overtime rules allow an older white guy to decide the winner by flipping a coin, current Senate procedures allow the Vice President to just decide himself because Mike Pence believes that touching a coin with another man’s face on it just isn’t right.

DeVos’s nomination was targeted by liberal activists for her support of privatized education and lack of experience in public schools. These efforts were unable to sink her nomination as anyone who has ever used a bathroom knows that private is better than public. Attendance at public schools is a national crisis; maybe students would be a little more willing to show up if their cafeteria was funded by Buffalo Wild Wings instead of being served Michelle Obama’s leftover tofu stir-fry. The first step to enriching your mind is enriching your diet, and no student can be expected to have the energy to learn subsisting on only 2,000 calories of fake-meat and vegetables.

In 1947 Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in baseball despite opposition from a Democratic Congress. It took seven years for public schools to catch up with sports and desegregate after the decision Brown v. Board of Ed, and even after this ruling Democrats still stood in the way of integration. With NBA teams already advertising corporate sponsors on their jerseys, education is once again in danger of falling behind professional sports in terms of progress. Why are our nation’s poorest children still attending school in thrift store hand me downs when we could have a generation of youth sporting sleek Hugo Boss™  uniforms?

It’s ironic that after Donald Trump appoints the first ever female Cabinet nominee in history, Democrats are all of a sudden huge defenders of public schools. School is, other than Congress, the most hated American institution, so why are Democrats rushing to its defense? Anyone who has ever faked sick to skip school knows that you learn a hell of a lot more about the real world watching Price is Right than you’re ever going to learn in a classroom. All the AP classes in the world aren’t going to teach you what a reasonable price for a dinette set is, which is a little more important than learning about the Voting Rights Act which is probably going away soon anyway. If voting restrictions based on age were removed, the 6-18 year old demographic would defund public schools in a heartbeat. Explain again how Democrats are the party of young people?

It makes sense that Democrats, who elected an Ivy League  elite like Barack Obama, would be in favor of schools. Republicans want parents to have choices in their student’s education. Instead of going with the basic package and sending their kids to school to read books, parents should be allowed to select the Presidential upgrade and educate their kids through hours and hours of watching cable news. Why would you send your kid to be educated by a shady creep with a mustache who’s doing God-knows-what with them after hours when they could be expanding their intellectual horizons watching Geraldo at Large.

Public schools are one of the biggest drains of money in American society. It is the year 2017 and we are still paying teachers hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to hang out in break rooms for half the day when we could have an app on your phone teach your kids for free. Instead, our students are educated by teachers who come from, you guessed it, public education. Our current system is nothing more than a self-sustaining racket to continuously produce professional educators who overwhelmingly vote Democratic. Notice that the jobs of your typical Republican voter, Fox News commenter and vape salesmen, do not require you to waste a dozen years of your life in public school.

The quality of education is not the only thing that suffers when corporations are not allowed to get involved in schools. NCAA Football, which is abound with corporate sponsors, fills stadiums of tens of thousands and routinely sends players to the NFL. High school football, which is run by the government, is still stuck running the triple option and can barely get air time on public access television. It’s no coincidence that Army and Navy, which are run by the government, still run the triple option. Once again, the government stifles innovation.


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